Ashley

12:39 am: Its time for a BIG change...
I need out. I have to get out of Simi. I don't know how much more I can take of this without going insane. There is a HUGE world out there. So many places to go and people to meet. And a special boy out there who I seriously love, and I don't know how the fuck to be with him.

Life Sucks.

02:03 am: Shit. Things have changed since I last wrote
I am completely and helplessly in love with Luke. He is th eonly person who has ever made me feel the way I do. And we'll never be together. If I had known on Nov. 8th what my life would be like 6 months later... well I don't regret one single minute i've spent with that boy. No one has ever made me feel the way he did. I am pretty positive that I will love him for the rest of my life. This is so unfair. I know how he feels about me. And I know he cares. So why am I sitting here, writing on the Internet and tears are pouring out of my eyes? The only thing I want in the whole world is for him to hold me, and I don't know if and when that can happen again.

I can't do this. I'm not strong enough to be this broken.

01:00 pm: So I guess you could say things are looking up for me in the boy department. I met a VERY cute, very ENGLISH boy at the Canyon Club a few weeks ago. We've hung out a bunch since. Only 1 MAJOR problem...his visa expires on the 30th! FUCK. He wants to stay out here...but I don't know what's going to happen. Shit. I have bad luck.

P.S. Accents are fuckin HOT!

12:47 am: Getting free weed is good. Weed tastes so delicious anyways, and it is WAY better when it's free.

Had a fucked up day. Head hurts from crying.

But like I said... my danky dank is starting to kick in. Life isn't 100% shit...just about 99%.

Fuck everything. Fuck pain and fuck those who bring it on like uncaring, ridiculous, fuckin assholes.

FUCK THAT SHIT. MOTHER FUCKERS.

03:59 pm: Men are fucking lying, pieces of shit scum. I hate them with a passion.

Fuck Cameron. That guy is a fucking prick. I'm pretty sure I'm never getting my fucking money back either. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am SO pissed.

03:24 pm: My heart hurts. I mean, literally hurts.

I can't take much of this anymore.

10:28 pm: Wow
This is what Webster's Dictionary descibes "lust" as. And wow, it is true. I don't think I've ever felt that before now.

LUST:

Intense or unrestrained sexual craving.

My old, hot Italian man kissed me on the lips today. True, it could have been a European thing, but I want to believe it felt like a little more. Oh shit, what am I getting myself into now!!!????

10:38 pm: Too much thinking
Since I am sitting here bored I have been doing a lot of thinking. I am now going to put the thoughts into categories for everyone to enjoy!

THINGS I MISS:
~My old house
~Tri-Pod/Quad-Pod nights
~Being able to have a social life
~My childhood
~My parents and the dogs
~SEX
~TSC!!!!!
~Having the person I love

THINGS I AM HAPPY ABOUT RIGHT NOW
~Tomorrow is my day off!
~Been making mucho money, and I REALLY want to go back to London, for longer this time
~Seeing my parents in less than a week
~New Justin Timberlake CD next month
~Sleep
~New crushes...even if this one is a little scary...to update everyone I have a crush on an older man...kinda a lot older...he's very sexy and Italian..uh-oh!

THINGS THAT IRRITATE THE CRAP OUT OF ME
~Missing Cameron
~Working all the damn time
~Having to wait for Season 2 of Lost to come to DVD
~Bought the Pharrell CD and accidently bought the censored version...stupid
~My aching stomach

Alright friends. i am being vague and random, but there is too much going on in my stupid head to write it all down.

02:37 pm: Holy Shit!
Have you ever seen someone so astoundingly gorgeous that your brain just shut down and you didn't know how to act like a normal human?

Well that happened to me today. I swear people, I have never seen a guy this beautiful before. If I believed in love at first sight, I think that would have been it. But since I don't.... I just hope he comes in again so I can look at him :)

10:06 pm: Being alone doesn't always suck. But it sucks when you're in love and you're not with that person. I have never missed someone so bad that it actually hurt. This is something I don't ever want to get used to...

08:13 pm: Times are shitty...and I'm pretty sure they can't get any worse.
So I guess my last entry was kinda bullshit. It was just hopefull thinking maybe. So I guess I've let him go. But my heart is still shattered. He was the first person I ever gave my heart to so completely unselfishly, and I got it returned to me, broken and stomped on and thrown back in my face. Wow, that sucks. It makes me NEVER want to trust anyone with my heart again. How could I? I decided today that being alone HAS to be better than living with a broken heart...

Ok, so I am ok with us not being together. I am fully capable of being independent. I am not ok with the fact that I helped him out, in such a huge, important way, and the guy can't even get me the respect to treat me like a decent human being. How can you "love" someone and do this at the same time. I really don't think he ever did, or could, love me.

Most days, I am ok. I live life going through the motions. Some days I can actually squeak out some happiness. And some days I am so sad and depressed that I don't have it in me to be strong. Today is one of those days.

He isn't the only reason why I feel like this. I don't know who I've become anymore. I don't feel like the happy, fun, and free spirit that I did a few years ago. This new person doesn't have much of a future. I can't finish school. Why? It's fucking community college. I work 2 unfulfilling, thankless jobs. I don't have my family near by. My friends and I are all so busy with totally different schedules that it takes so much to get together. And he is just the top of it. I found someone who I saw a real future with, someone to help me along in life, so I wouldn't have to go it alone, and he turned out to be a totally different person.

I hope this goes away. I know that depression never really goes away, but I am hoping that it does get better. I don't know how much longer I can carry on with the immense emotional sadness. I think I've come close to my breaking point.

The past few months I have been thinking about Ryan a lot. I know a tiny bit of what his pain was, but definetly not on the same level. I hope it is better for him, wherever he is. And this may sound kinda cheesy, but thinking of our friend Ryan is what makes me want to get better.

11:59 pm: It's time to move on...
Alright. I'm sick of being upset. I'm sick of crying. I haven't cried in 3 days. And it feels good. As time goes on, I realize that I WILL get over Cameron. It was only 6 months. I am only 22 years old. I refuse to continue on acting like my life is over. Life is barely beginning for me, and I'm going to take this as a learning experience and grow from it.

There are still so many things I want to do in life. So many things I NEED to do. Yes, relationships are fun and it feels good to be wanted, but it isn't the end all. If I am in a relationship, I need to be in one where I'm appreciated. And in my past, I don't feel like I have been. I am realizing that a relationship is supposed to make you feel happy, not sad and angry. And I felt that way for the last year with Nick. And the past month or so with Cameron. That is definetly a pattern I won't fall into. I won't let myself.

So I feel I have had my time to be upset, had my time to cry and be pissed. And now it's time to let it go. The best thing that has come out of this shit is seeing how my friends really are the greatest people in the world. I couldn't ask for better people to be by my side.

The weather is getting nicer, and I am SO ready to go out and have fun!!!! So if anyone is down....

10:40 pm: Blah
I'm sad. It sucks that life has to be so shitty sometimes.

04:15 pm: I can feel myself falling madly in love. And this scares me. Cameron is the most amazing guy I've ever met in my entire life, and I can't even imagine myself with anyone but him. That says a lot coming from one of the most boy crazy girls ever.

Fuck. Being vulnerable sucks.

I can't get my mind off of him....

04:48 pm: Fuck off 2005!
So pretty much, in a nutshell, this year fucking sucked. I am glad today is the last day. I hope that by starting a new year things can get a tiny bit better. Clean slate kinda thing.
Ok so here is my year in review ( ans not everything was bad, but a lot was!)

JAN: The New Year started off bad and I had a miserable time. Should've known right away. Life continues as normal until I get a phone call on that shitty Wednesday morning. Nick's dad was dead. Pretty much had a mental breakdown, was very hard for me to deal with.

FEB: Still trying to get over the bad news, and try to maintain a friendship with Nick. That, of course, doesn't work. Which was quite upsetting to me.

MAR: Normal, geared up for the 21st b-day.

APR: Now this was a weird month. On the 1st I was in Vegas having an amazing times with some of my best friends in the world. Come home on the 4th, the guys get me a little too drunk, and got reallllly sick. The next day I go into work, hungover as hell, and have a huge falling out with dumbass Tim. I then get fired. It was a horrible experience. After putting 3.5 years of my life into that place and working my ass off, it really sucked. I felt sick for the next few days. Robbie had a kick ass party for me though on the 9th, which was so rad! Seeing my girls and knowing how we have such different lives, yet we can all come together opn those rare occasions and have an amazing time, that is something seriously special. The next week I was hospitalized for dehydration from all the alcohol consuption...that's awesome!

MAY: Didn't work all month, which was nice. Slept a lot and actually went to the gym.

JUN: Got to Vegas, it was cool. Get a job at the Grinder and trying to adject to such a new environment was hard at first. Plus those horible 7 a.m. shifts were hard too.

JUL: Worked as much as possible. Things were kinda getting scarier, knowing that my parents were getting closer and closer to leaving.

AUG: Decide it's time to be serious about school. Megan moves to S.F., which sucked. I knew my sis and I were going to have to start looking for places to live, and now the person I've known the longest in my life was gone. Very hard.

SEP: I move out of the house I lived in for over 17 years. Very strange. The first night there was crap. I get a second job, which was draining but I fell in love with everyone right away. On Sept. 12th, I get more bad news. Ryan is gone. Wow. That was a devasting one. That was something that really shook up our little group, but I feel it brought us closer together. I know we still think about him all the time, and I hope he knows that he was loved.

OCT: Starting to adjust to apartment. Then get the news that my 12 yr. old cousin passes away. He was an extraordinary little man, and I am thankful for the time I did get to meet him. He will be a part of me always.

NOV: Not very interesting, lots of work and school.

DEC: Starting to feel a little burn-out, but otherwise feeling a little better about the events of the year. I am trying to accept the deaths that happened this year. I finish school with a 3.0, and I am excited about that. Hear a few upsetting things involving Nick, but realize that it's ok. He was a chapter in my life that is done, and it was an amazing experience that made me a lot stronger today. Christmas was nice. My parents house is sold, and it is becoming more real that they are leaving soon. Very strange. Lastly, I have met a boy. And it is scary because we all know me, I don't believe in love and relationships. But the way I feel about this one- wow! So I am looking forward to a year of hard work, and still a lot of playing.

I love you all very much. I understand if this was too long to read, but I feel better already. This is a year of horrible losses, and still there is something to be learned from it. I will cherish every memory of the people who are gone, and continue to make new ones with the people I have still.

I hope everyone has a great and safe New Year.

10:01 pm: Nida- you are a fruitcake, but I love you lots. And you are right, I also look forward to when people write on this so I know what is going on.

SO I have 2 midterms tomorrow, and I need to be studying.

I am starting to feel a burnout cvoming on from 50 hrs. of work a week and school. Fuck. I don't know why I do this to myself, but the fear of having no money makes me wanna work.

On Saturday I am going to San Diego to see Jason Mraz-HOT! Unfortuantely Meg and I have to drive back to Simi right after cuz she flys back to San Fran on Sundy. But on Mon the 28th I am going to see Gwen Stefani and the next day I go see Paul McCartney with my parents. So I am looking forward to the next week.

I went out with the people from Wood Ranch last weekend, everyone is sooooo cool. I love meeting new people and new boys! I have been hanging out with Nate (the old guy) still but mostly just as friends. I don't think I want anything else to come out of it.

I wanto go back to London. No joke.

Word.

11:20 pm: SO I thought I updated the other day but now it is nowhere to be found. Wow I'm confused.
I have a meeting at 8 am tomorrow, that is irritating.
I love you guys.

02:13 am: So workin two jobs and going to school fuckin sucks ass. I have no life. I am always tired. And I don't get to see my freinds or family as much as I would like. Welcome to the real world, is what I have been constantly hearing. Well you know what? It fuckin BLOWS.
I'm in one of my pessimistic moods right now. I am rambling. But shit, how can I not complain?
I want to go to San Fransisco and see Megan. Na dmaybe see Jason Mraz too!!! I think I figured something out so I can go and miss very little work. AWESOME!
I got my hair did the other day and my girl cut it too short. I'm a little irked. Not gonna lie. I didn't shell out 100 bones just to hate my hair- GAY!
I've been living in my new apartment for over a month and haven't unloaded any boxes. I'm pretty kick ass like that. Who has time? I sure the hell don't.
I feel like shit about my cousin. I wish I had been able to spend more time with him beofre he passed away. I know he is better now, and knowing that comforts me. But why did he have to feel pain in the first place? My mom said she doubts he ever felt good a day in his life. 12 years he had and he had to suffer. It's not fair.
Found a new boy at Wood Ranch. Shock of the century right? Well I'm dumb anyways cuz I don't really have time for boys anyways. But I can't help that I wanna touch cute boys right? That's what 21 yr old girls are suppossed to do.
Well I love you all. I should be asleep. I'm rambling.

02:27 am: The human race is generally quite disappointing. I am happy to have the few people reamin that aren't. I love you guys and I wish I could see you more often.

Work is cool...I am making bank. Nothing exciting.

Life is basically repetitive and boring on my end. Same shit, differnent day. Nothing to be happy about, yet nothing to cry over. Have you ever kinda felt numb, like you had no emotions running through you at all? Well, if you have, I know how you feel.

02:36 am: Random
I am oddly attracted to guys in their 30's all of a sudden. There's a guy at my work who is really cute, and also 31. Damn.

I now have to work Friday morning at 7. But that won't stop my ass from having a good time on Thursday! I am a pro at serving tables hungover!

The movie Ray is fantastic! FOr anyone who hasn't seen it- DO. Two enthusiastic thumbs up!

I miss London.